Spider-Man

  • Various
  • Marvel Comics

I know, I know, the conservative right has been claiming for years that gays have been adversely affecting straight marriages. Yeah, apparently my kissing a cute guy with a beard is the reason why Kim Kardashian had such a train wreck of a family life. But they may have a point when it comes to the retroactive dissolving of the marriage between Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson.

If you look at it from the right’s perspective, there were tons of clues about Spider-Man having been involved in a gay lifestyle for a long time. After all, there has to be a reason why his best friend was affectionately known as Flash! If you have paid a bit of attention to Glee this season, we see that the closeted football players are always out to kiss the geeks while banging them up against a locker! There is the obvious plus (to them) that the geeks are not likely to out them to their friends, simply being happy that the jock is playing ‘Hide the webbing’ with them. Of course Peter would want to hide this half of himself from the world too…except for when he happens to go out wearing form-fitting spandex. That was his drag queen moment. And he DID live with Flash for awhile until the relationship just didn’t work anymore.

Other signs of Peter’s peter fixation include some of his rogues gallery. There was a man with six arms (the better to hold you with, my dear), a stud who wears a lion’s outfit, a big dumb guy with a big ol’ horn sticking straight out of his forehead (no phallic symbol THERE, no!), and a guy who wants to be known as gobblin’…I mean Goblin. I mean you might as well trade in that spider symbol for a large pink triangle! Then later on, Peter found out the dangers of hanging around clones…no one wants to be your friend then!

But Peter finally found himself the perfect hag to hide behind…the fashion model slash soap opera star Mary Jane Watson. She put up with her husband always missing nights together to hanging out with the boys…literally! She only put her foot down when someone who was wearing the same outfit as her husband wanted to have him all to himself. Venom’s suit is definitely breeding those he comes in contact with!

Now we cut to the final days of Peter’s sham of a marriage to Mary Jane. The Simple War…I mean Civil War. Peter fell for Tony Stark, a sugar daddy who Peter felt knew best for him. Tony bought him a new suit, put him up in his penthouse, had him hanging out with a group of other guys in spandex and urged him to ‘come out’. Before you say “I’m tighter. I’m spider. Get used to it!”, Peter is standing in front of the world telling everyone all of his secrets.

Then, on top of all of that, when the first red effeminate man comes along making an offer for Peter, he drops his wife in the blink of an eye! It is kind of contradictory that Petey makes the exchange of getting rid of his sham marriage in order to go further in the cowl closet, but whatever works for him.

So in conclusion, we can only decide that homosexuality DID tear apart Spider-Man’s marriage. And if you think the evidence is flimsy, then just remember that the evidence for the Religious Right is even flimsier!

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